Axact: From a Graduate of Nixon University

After having been seriously maligned and disparaged by an enemy and infidel newspaper, the executives and workers of Axact sprung into action and unleashed a rhetorical counter strike at their opponents. In a statement crafted by the most brilliant legal minds in Pakistan, the company defended its business practices and declared that the New York Times expose was just another Israeli conspiracy against Axact, Pakistan, and the Islamic world.

A senior executive of Axact stated: “In a free market economy, it was the company’s right to sell lucrative degrees and that the customers had the right to acquire any degrees that they could purchase.” Furthermore, he added, “all our schools and universities are fully accredited, and we are quite sure of it because we ourselves own the accreditation company.”

Some company officials also said that they saw nothing wrong with their business practices: “after all, we created so many jobs,” they said.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I must admit that I have my own ax to grind in this whole affair. You see I was one of the first of Axact graduates. I got my Ph.D from Nixon University a few years ago. I cannot tell you how valuable this degree has been to me: since I bought my doctorate, I have appeared on several TV shows in Pakistan as a culture expert, as a philosopher, and as a visionary. Whatever I am today, professionally and personally, is all because of the on-line faculty who nurtured and  trained me through their videos, tweets, and occasional text messages. In fact, my university’s didactic practices were so revolutionary and ahead of time that my dissertation was a collection of 10, 000 tweets and my oral exams were conducted through a texting app developed by Axact!!

So as a Nixonian, I was deeply troubled when that hack of a journalist from this tabloid called The New York Times, published this baseless and unsubstantiated article about the owners of my alma mater. I mean, shouldn’t the New York Time only be reporting about New York? What do they know about Pakistan? And did they read the name of the company: it is called Ax Act!!! That means a little bit of hatchetry is OK for a company named after an AX!!!

And, not to put too fine  a point on it, I am proud of my degree! It works for me and why should anyone care if I bought it. I mean my cousin bought his medical degree from Barkley University, another great institution from Axact, and now has his own clinic in Islamabad. He just recently performed a brain transplant operation. The first ever of its kind! And you know the goat whose brain he transplanted to one of our local mullahs head is fine, and the mullah has suddenly become more eloquent and progressive!! So, what is the harm in that.

So, as a proud Nixonian, I would like to say this to New York Times: Control your jealous impulses and do not try to destroy this innovative and ever-growing corporation! I know who put you up to this: Bill Gates! Yes, we know the truth. Axact is rising so fast that Bill Gates feels threatened and I am sure he has paid huge sums to “some journalist”  named Unclean Wash (what kind of a name is that, anyway) to publish this baseless article. It’s a hack job I tell you!! And I am pretty sure the executives and workers of Ax Act will put their collective noses to the grind and carve out a grater future for themselves!

As for me, I am still a doctor of philosophy and I have a shiny diploma on my wall to prove it!!!

  2 comments for “Axact: From a Graduate of Nixon University

    Najma Qayyum
    May 19, 2015 at 4:05 pm

    Oh my God! This is crazy. Since yesterday I have been watching sensational news about Axact on every news channel and silly talk shows about it. Every one of them trying to support New York Times. But thank you Dr Raja for revealing the facts to us. I like you candid style so much. Thank you sir. You have made us proud.

    • May 19, 2015 at 7:07 pm

      Thank you. This was a fun satirical piece to write:)

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